Saddest Thing Ever.

I’m Not Going Anywhere

Dear Nina,

I’ll always remember the call. The call saying that you probably wouldn’t make it through the next few days. The call that made my heart break into a million pieces, way too soon.

Now, two months later, there is never a day when I don’t think about you. Everything I see, everywhere I go, something reminds me of you. And it kills me every time that I never got to say goodbye. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.

I’m sorry I didn’t go see you that Tuesday night, even though I promised you I would. I’m sorry that the next day was when you slipped into a coma and never came back. I’m sorry that one of the last things you said to me was, “It’s okay babycakes, come whenever you want, I’m not going anywhere.” I’m sorry that you were wrong. You were going somewhere, and it wasn’t fair, nobody was ready.

I’m sorry that I’ll never see you smile again, that I’ll never hear you laugh. You’re still number three on my phone’s “favorite’s” list right after my mom and dad, but I’m sorry you’ll never answer when I call. I’m sorry we’ll never go on another one of our famous adventures, or that I’ll never laugh so hard at your incredible sense of humor and wit, or those killer death glares you used to give your mom. I’m sorry that sometimes I put school and practice above going to see you.

I’m sorry that the last time I heard your voice was on my birthday, just a few days before you passed. You didn’t want to interrupt my birthday celebrations so you said goodbye. I’m sorry that I didn’t know it was goodbye forever. I’m sorry I hung up that phone.

I’m sorry that when Chloe called in tears, I was across the country for the weekend, that I couldn’t be there to hold your hand as you took your last breath. I’m sorry that if you could, for whatever reason, sense the people who came to say goodbye, I was not one of them. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.

But most of all, I’m sorry that my life will go on, but yours will not. I’m sorry that you had to go so young, it’s just not fair. As I go off to college, it’s so unfair to think that you will never get to experience it—the moment that we had been waiting for for the past four years. I remember you once told me, in the midst of all the high school drama, “Don’t worry, these are no where near the best days of our lives.” You’ll always be in my heart, Nina. And maybe, one day you’ll give just a portion of the strength that you had in your lifetime to help me move on. But, for now, I cannot imagine the best days of my life without you.

You will always be my best friend, my partner in crime, my poppyseed, tunamalt, and whatever other weird names we came up with for each other. I’ll always remember all the good times, the crazy drives, stickshifting, and the ridiculous “express” T’s in Boston. I’ll remember your “whoops” expression and all our hilarious moments. Our many, many brownies and our “brilliant” plans that somehow never really quite worked out.

Your courageous fight to the end will always inspire me. You were so full of life, and you never lost hope. Everyday you inspire me, inspire me to never lose hope that I will see you again. I miss you, Nina. I miss you more than I could ever imagine. And most of all, I wish I would have said, just one more time, I love you.

S, age 18

From wouldhavesaid.com

On Human Emotions

Today, for the first time in many years, I cried, and I mean actually cried; I felt in the deepest depths of my soul a profound sadness which has been nonexistent in my life for quite some time. I am currently unaware as to where exactly this newfound sadness has sprouted from and where it has gotten its nutrients. I believe it may have something to do with a recent love interest of mine. She, whose name shall not be said as it is rather unnecessary for it to be mentioned at all, would appear to me to be perfect in every facet of her being. She is smart, so very beautiful, funny, quirky, and is so wholly unique that I can only smile when I see her. Hearing her laugh and seeing her smile are two of the most purely enjoyable things that I have ever experienced; if I were ever to feel love's warm embrace I believe it would be something like this. I, however, am unsure of my relation to her; am I simply her friend or am I something more? Am I just a friend temporarily and will become something more in the future? Or am I destined to a platonic relationship with the love of my life thus far. Her emotions elude me; she is, at times, incredibly interested in me and in my interests, and I sense that, but at other times, not so very far apart either, she is distant and seems to not care much about my presence at all. It seems that the mystery of women, something I have eluded for quite some time based on my choice to avoid deep female relations for the most part since my last (as it did not end well), has finally found me, and it is something that I hate to love.